16 February 2026

Welcome all to the Legendary Weekly Battraw Email! This week will be just a bit briefer than others due to lack of source material. We had a record-breaking 5 baptisms as a branch on Sunday! In the words of Elder Ybarra, "it don't gotta be a long email bro." Elder Watkins is an amazing missionary and should be a leader ASAP! Adieu, and adieu. -Elder Battraw

9 February 2026

WELCOME back to another week of Elder Battraw Weekly! I hope the voice you read with in your head is that of mine for the next five minutes. Big transfers happened! As expected, Elder Saccatuma was booted from Chota and I'm staying again. He's currently in the jungles of Jaen and a happy boy for it. Cool fact, I'll be hitting months 10 and 11 this transfer! Pretty cool considering I was just trying to make it to 3 months at the start. A lot of goodbyes happened for Elder Saccatuma, and we zipped down to Chiclayo to do transfers and exalt my new companion to Chota. The new lucky boy is Elder Cartagena, a Bolivian! He's cool. And I saw Elder 'O Connell again, that crazy hoser is as beautiful as the day I left him. The AP put me in charge of getting everybody back to Chota, me being the only one there that knew how to get there. Well that was an experience, we had two newer sisters that brought enough suitcases and things to fill the Denver airport baggage claims. It was fun, we called two taxis to carry it all and Big Dale the taxi driver tried to crazy upcharge me. No sir! I learned how to dance the "waino" I believe it's called. Very cool and I will be making sure to preserve this talent for the building up of the kingdom of God. Sulmy and her family accepted a baptismal date (kind of)! Going over soon to confirm this with them but they're doing great. There are many more younger people about to be baptized, as well as Rosas, everybody's favorite grandpa. Pray for them! There are a great many more wonderous and great works that have been brought to pass in this past week, but the end draweth nigh. I hope you all have a wonderful week and keep staying rizzy. -Elder Battraw

2 February 2026

 

"I... am STEVE." That's the moment that changed me forever. Jack Black's performance of Steve was inspiring and will go down in history as one of the great's, just like Heath Ledger's Joker. Fortunately, I recently had the opportunity to have my own "live-action" Minecraft movie. The boys and I got together to move mountains, literally. We had live-action pickaxes and shovels and we mined a mountain down to rubble. I, too, am Steve.

This week was very fast! Monday through Friday felt like two days, Saturday felt like four and Sunday was Sunday. So I suppose it was still the same length as a normal week. Even though it was still seven days, it felt like a Really Cool seven days, a very complete missionary week with service, rain, lessons, miracles, and our friend getting baptized at the end of it! I could go into depth about all of that, but I won't. Instead, here's a Really Cool summary.

The End

It's transfer week I'm probably staying here in the rainy mountains of Chota, my companion is likely leaving to his last area where he will be laid to rest.

Pole

For reasons unknown to man, we move a very long log up a hill and plant it in the ground. Perhaps a confused gardener trying to grow a new tree, perhaps an elaborate prank. Regular surveillance will be kept on it.

The Great Dance Battle of '26

Elder Watkins vs. Elder Battraw- Elder Watkins wins with a forbidden technique, the "Donald Trump YMCA." Onlookers report lightning and thunder on-scene.

Minecraft Dog

A cube-shaped dog is spotted in a local suburb of Chota. 4 bones were offered, they unfortunately proved ineffective.

The Chota World Cup

We were lucky enough to witness the greatest match of soccer we may ever see. There was betrayal, friendships formed, goals scored, injuries, and undoubtedly core memories made. 

I tell the tale of Big Blue, a middle aged man fighting to make a name for himself. As the name suggests, he wears blue, and thinks himself big. He comes, he plays, he leaves all the wiser.

This particular match was the grand finals. The score was 1-1, only a few minutes remaining. The hero of our story is a backup to a backup player, but with the high level of violence and injuries in this match, it was his grand opportunity to shine. He takes the field with thunder and quickly has the ball in his possesion. The opposing team is pressuring him but makes the fatal error of brushing him as they pass by. He was waiting for this very moment.

A small smile grows on his lips. With a bloodcurdling scream, he does a full olympic acrobatic routine, ending with a QUADRUPLE backflip, landing on his back. Heroically clutching his leg, he rocks back and forth, face clutched in potent agony. Medics rush the field- they find no injury at all, save for grass stains on his beautiful blue shorts. The ref gives no foul, to which Big Blue is enraged. After his polished Oscar-worthy performance, he will not stand for this disgrace.

He charges the ref, and after a few curt words, the ref is ejected from the game and the penalty for injuring our hero is a first in all of soccer history- a point penalty. The score now stands at 1-0, Big Blue's favor. With only a 10 seconds left, there was no hope of a comeback. The sidelines charge Big Blue and give him the traditional Sporade shower, and he is carried off into the sunset with a trophy in hand.

Piano

I played piano pretty well on Sunday

Pushups

Cool goal hit! Finishing the month of January of just over 10k pushups total. Cool pushups stats:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1DBeE3TYke-qN2r7RK-GUBfwVw4WPWz_gfnyuBxKUvBs/edit?usp=drivesdk

That's all for Battraw: Weekly. Cya next time, stay fly!

-Elder Battraw

26 January 2026

 Welcome back to the uniquely excellent weekly email of Elder Battraw! Every day brings change. My phone can't even recognize my fingerprint anymore.

We have been growing ripe with trunkiness this past week. I offer unto you all a modern parable-

Once upon a time, there was a group of missionaries. They all got together one morning and cut a tree down. The end!

This is actually a true story and evidence is available here:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/1ngGPb1awSYj1DL36

I hope you all learned something from that modern parable. Just like with our stubborn trunks and trunkiness, we just gotta get together with our friends and cut it down and out of our lives. If you don't have friends, then no worries, go on a mission and you'll make lots of them. 

Other nice events that happened this week, because pday is not long enough to write then all out in detail-

The End of the World:

Major city in Perú is smitten with plagues and afflictions

Hazardous Hopping:

Elder Battraw nearly gets sent home for injuries while parkouring through river boulders

Movie Moment:

We had a lit movie night last monday with our friends and converts, watched Joseph Smith, Prophet of the Restoration, tears were shed and it was excellent. As well as cookies

Super Sleepover:

The secretaries of the mission visited us and we had a Super Sleepover Party Bash. Would recommend

Crafts and Construction:

I built an amazing new cardboard house for a convert's new baby rabbit, ears included

The Return of Richard:

Richard comes back????? And he kindly invited us for a bite to eat and a sip to drink, which we politely rain-checked him to avoid 1. wasting time and 2. being sacrificed to demons

Anti-Anti:

A man speaks all manner of blashpemies and apostate statements to us, we kindly smile and chuckle

Tree Triumph:

We successfully topple the king of the mountain tree from somebody's backyard, Elder Watkins avoids imminent destruction by the measure of one pinky toe

Practice Makes Perfect:

I practice the wrong song for sacrament meeting only for God to come in and save the day in a miraculous manner 

That's all for this week- don't cry that it's over, be happy that it happened

-Elder Battraw

19 January 2026

Hello to everyone that still has ears to hear, eyes to read, and hearts to still care about what these weekly emails are all about! Another week has passed and now I have the great task of trying to make what I do daily seem entertaining. Here's a quick headliner of the cool things that happened. -Pushups Prowess Saturday I hit 1000 pushups in one day -Bull Brawl We sprint past a bull in our path, nearly get poked -Barf Bus My comp throws up four times on the comby on the way to Cutervo -Animal Attacks We nearly get clapped by the local dog gangs, pass by kittens, bulls, dogs, pigs, and guinea pigs within 5 minutes -Bingo Boys We play the finest game of Bingo this century has seen, only to get robbed by the announcer -Drunk Drama A potentially posessed returning friend comes back drunk and prophesies all manner of blasphemies and witchcrafts- "Experience, requires... SACRIFICE." -Consecrated Convert Maryelis is the Lebron James of missionary work, she has put in more hours visiting and working in the past week than the rest of the branch has in the past month -Crippling Comparison I get called a nerd and "the kid from the Polar Express with the yellow shirt" -Relentless Rain It rains for 5 days non-stop here in Chota But that's all for this week- stay tuned for the next one 😎

12 January 2026

Welcome back to the 40th edition of Battraw: Weekly, where few are called but many are emailed! Where the world keeps spinning and time keeps moving despite our best efforts. And what a cool seven spins around the axis it's been. The pushup goal continues! The goal is 100k for the year of 2026 and so far, it's going well. I've learned that I can't do 100k pushups in a year, and I can't do 275 pushups ever day, but I can do 25 pushups right now and 25 pushups in a couple minutes, over and over again. And those 25 pushups add up pretty quick! Focusing on the things we can do right now is the only thing we have to do. Pretty cool. We went caving last week in a Minecraft ahh cave. As we were entering the Legendary Cave Wizard appeared and demanded 2 soles for safe passage, or the curses and blood of all other stingy travelers lie upon our bones. So I gave him 2 soles because I've played too many video gamed to not pay the mysterious wizard at the start of main quests. It was a cool cave! Lots of rocks. Then we climbed the mountain that lied on top of the Cave of Doom and offered sacrifices to appease the cave spirits. Overall, nice experience and a cool photo shoot. But yeah! This past week has been a grind. But knowing that all I have to do right now is "25 pushups," something small and simple, heck yeah I can do that. My spiritual thought is that we need to build line upon line, precept upon precept and 25 pushups upon 25 pushups. And if we keep that up, we can do pretty much anything we set our minds to. Still doing pushups, Elder Battraw Pushups: 3,840/100,000 Intercontinental Ballistic Missionary:

5 January 2026

"Everybody's happy, it's a great time of year. Merry Christmas. But the real Merry [freaking] Christmas is when you wake up in the New Year when all that noise is gone, and it's just you." Hello and a happy new year to everyone that is staying hard! And a happy new year to this mission, which has never not stayed hard. Unfortunately for hard missions, missionaries are harder. Holidays far away from home feels pretty surreal. I know that on the other half of the world, there's snow and Christmas presents. Over here it's an ordinary day, albeit with more people drinking in the streets. As for updates this past week, not too much has changed at all. I did start a new personal challenge of 100k pushups in this new year, I'm currently at 1.2k. Not much is new this past week! We did have a baptism this past Sunday for Maryelis, she's pretty awesome and wants to also serve a mission. Anywho, I don't have anything else interesting this week, so we're gonna roll the dice again this next week and hope for snake eyes. That's all! -Staying hard, Elder Battraw

29 December 2025

Hello, and welcome to the 38th installment of the Battraw: Weekly! Unfortunately I'm fried and have little to no motivation to write anything. Unfortunately for me, because if I waited on motivation for everything then I'd still be back home watching anime. It is worth noting, however, that if my mission were a fetal child it would be viable outside the womb. Additionally if you bought low-acid canned goods or pasta around when I began the mission, you should consider refreshing your food stores. And Merry Christmas! We really didn't have much of a Christmas celebration, neither will we have a New Years celebration. But better believe we will work, and work, and then work again. After that, we will keep working. And when we run out of motivation and want to go sleep, we will work! As AI generated David Goggins puts it- "No Christmas lights, no fireworks, just the grind. I'm tired, my mind's whisperin' quit, but that's the enemy. I don't wait for a calendar to tell me when to push. I lace up my shoes, I hit the pavement, I count every step like a badge of honor. The pain? It's just a reminder I'm still alive. So I keep moving. I own the suck. I don't need a celebration to prove I'm hard. I prove it every da[ng] day, one mile at a time. Stay hard. Stay hungry." Beautifully put, David. I couldn't have put it better myself. For this "happy new year" we're gonna stay locked in and keep it pushing. Motivation or no motivation, keep that mentality tough and take the steps one at a time if you need but keep taking them. I guess what I'm trying to say, is STAY HARD! Adieu, and adieu. Staying hard, -Elder Battraw

22 December 2025

Welcome to the Legendary Weekly Efficient Email of Elder Battraw! Headlines for this week! I reunite with my long lost piano Elder Ybarra loses his lunch Elder Ybarra's lunch is found on my pants Cube, Rubix The Great Christmas Bash of '25 I move into Mission President's house Christmas Nativity: Starring Elder Battraw Unfortunately that's all we have time for this week, cya next time! -The Efficient Elder Battraw

15 December 2025

Hello all! My name is Battraw, Elder Battraw. Sometimes here, sometimes there, always "in between jobs." As the title may suggest, I'm slowly shriveling away into a sarcastic cadaver of my formal self. The other day, I fell down a hill and made Minecraft skeleton noises. That didn't hurt quite as much as when a 5'3" Peruvian lady called me skinny though. I've since resolved to eat more, because boy have I lost a lot of weight. Besides that, the week was good! We celebrated the same 5'3" Peruvian lady's birthday, and had a farewell party for Elder Sousa, doppleganger of Miles Morales. There was a baptism in Miles Morales's area as well. And our friend that fell off the face of the planet a week ago has returned and has a baptismal date again! Let's go! We also visited little towns in our area along the mountains and walked a lot! There was also a wild, angry bull that got loose and put itself on the path back to home. We tried going around, when it suddenly decided that the grass where we needed to go looked pretty good and moved there. So we ran back to the trail and started ninja sneaking along the path. The bull was maybe fifteen feet away from the path, just down a slight slope munching on grass with its head down. Elder Saccatuma headed in front, safely passing in a hunkered stance. I was moving past the bull when Elder Saccatuma yelled, "MOO!" and we took off sprinting. Fortunately we didn't get clapped by the bull and made it safely back. There has been great progress in The Swoley Bible! I'm hoping to finish it sometime in the next 16 months. Speaking of which, yesterday was my 8 month mark in the mission. Very cool. Time is going by pretty quick! And Christmas is pretty exciting. The main plaza here is decked out with tons of lights and decorations. All of the schools are having their end-of-year parties as well, which is very nostalgic. It is really cool, though. The mission has already been an amazing adventure. During the first week, I couldn't imagine I would even make it to 3 months, yet here we are. It sure does suck sometimes, but the good moments and people make up for the bad. I thought a lot about all of the awesome friends and experiences I've had while out here, and I can't wait to have more. Signing off, Elder Battraw

8 December 2025

Grandma Gang is back in town, Lock your hearts and flip your frowns. Better watch out for the Grandma Gang- They look kind but they got fangs. Welcome back to the 34th weekly email of Battraw: Weekly! "Where we put the W in BattraW." -Elder Fox The grandmas in Peru here are tough as nails and strong as oxen. Their bare hands can sand a table down, and polish it too. They carry around heavy sacks all day, walking up and down mountains and manhandling bulls. Truly they are a force to be reckoned with. Other news: today is my one third of my mission completed. Cool stats: 6-pack mantained (but at what cost?) 💪 ~35 pounds lost 😔 4+ containers preworkout used 🤙 6 transfers 😎 6.5 companions 😶❓️ 2 mission presidents, 2 languages, 2 countries 🇵🇪 🇺🇸 48 Google Docs started, 6 finished 🤷‍♂️ 3 books started, 0 finished 👀 0 regrets 🫡 Countless priceless hours in the service of God 😤🔥 And I also contracted something that I'll call "the Ebola Virus" two days ago. Fortunately I took unknown medicine with a witchy brew concoction, got flamed by mission president's wife for drinking witchy brew, passed out twitching for 4 hours, woke up drenched in sweat completely healed. Overall, 7/10 experience. A big thank you to Tania the witchy brewer. Fortunately from this experience, I learned we are not supposed to take unknown medicine from witchy brewers named Tania. Next time I'll get it from Georgina the witchy brewer to be safe. This past week has been awesome! We work a lot, walk a lot, and alot money for ice cream. We had some sad news, some good news, and some very hope filled news. A very cool poem that I read recently, that is SO cool I'm going to hand type all of it- "The Race" by Delbert L. Groberg. "Quit! Give up! You're beaten!" They shout at me and plead. There's just too much against you now. This time you can't succeed! And as I start to hang my head In front of failure's face My downward fall is broken by The memory of a race. And hope refills my weakened will As I recall that scene For just the thought of that short race Rejuvinates my being. A children's race; young boys, young men How I remember well. Excitement, sure! But also fear. It wasn't hard to tell. They all lined up so full of hope Each thought to win that race. Or tie for first, or if not that At least take second place. And fathers watched from off the side, Each cheering for his son. And each boy hoped to show his dad That he would be the one. The whistle blew and off they went Young hearts and hopes afire. To win and be the hero there Was each young boy's desire. And one boy in particular Whose dad was in the crowd Was running near the lead and thought, My dad will be so proud! But as they speeded down the field Across a shallow dip. That little boy, who thought to win, Lost his step and slipped. Trying hard to catch himself His hands flew out to brace, And, mid the laughter of the crowd, He fell flat on his face. So down he fell, and with him hope. He couldn't win it now. Embarrassed, sad, he only wished To disappear somehow. But as he fell, his dad stood up And showed his anxious face That to the boy so clearly said; Get up and win the race! He quickly rose, no damage done. Behind a bit, that's all And ran with all his mind and might To make up for his fall. So anxiois to restore himself To catch up and win, His mind went faster than his legs; He slipped and fell again. He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace I'm hopeless as a runner, now. I shouldn't try to race. But in the laughing crowd he searched And found his father's face, That steady look that said again, Get up and win the race. So up he jumped to try again Ten yards behind the last If I'm to gain those yards, he thought, I've got to move real fast. Exerting everything he had, He regained eight of ten But trying hard to catch the lead He slipped and fell again. Defeated! He lay there silently A tear dropped from his eye There's no sense running anymore. Three strikes; I'm out. Why try? The will to rise had disappeared. All hope had flone away. So far behind; so error prone- A loser all the way. I've lost, so what's the use, he thought. I'll live with my disgrace. But then he thought about his dad, whom soon he'd have to face. Get up, an echo sounded low, Get up and take your place. You were not meant for failure here, Get up and win the race. With borrowed will, get up, it said. You haven't lost at all. For winning is no more than this: To rise each time you fall. So up he rose to run once more And, with a new commit, He resolved that win or lose At least he wouldn't quit. So far behind the others now, The most he'd ever been, Still he gave it all he had; He ran as though to win. Three times he'd fallen, stumbling, Three times he rose again. Too far behind to hope to win, He still ran to the end. They cheered the winning runner As he crossed the line first place, Head high, and proud, and happy- No falling; no disgrace. But when the fallen youngster Crossed the line last place, The crowd gave him the greater cheer For finishing the race. And even though he came in last With head bowed low, unproud, You would have thought he won the race, To listen to the crowd. And to his dad he sadly said, I didn't do so well. To me, you won, the father said. You rose each time you fell. And now when things seem dark and hard And difficult to face, The memory of that little boy Helps me in my race. For all of life is like that race, With ups and downs and all, And all you have to do to win Is rise each time you fall. "Quit! Give up! You're beaten!" They still shout in my face. But another voice within me says Get up and win the race! -Elder BattraW, OUT

1 December 2025

...welcome, to the unilateral, unequivocal, undeniable united union of the weekly Elder Battraw letters, where all are sent but none contain the contents of the past week. Speaking of which, this past week was no exception. We also didn't celebrate Thanksgiving because it doesn't exist here! I got to call family which is cool and also didn't have to see all of the horrifically long Instagram and Snapchat stories, yapping about what they're grateful for. And if anybody was grateful for me, my condolences. This past week I also got to give a thorough whooping to other missionaries in the game Settlers of Catan. Normally I don't like the game but I went bananas here. I don't believe it will ever happen again, so I might be retired. We also taught English! The schedules are very weird and irregular, so every class is more of whatever we come up with. We teach both 6th grade and 3rd. Beginning with 6th, they are very lame because they don't listen to us and think about how cool they are instead. So they end up sitting there for an hour. Womp womp. 3rd grade is amazing, however. They all listen attently and are extremely chaotic and disobedient but they will do ANYTHING to play and win a game. So we teach a lot of English to them and we have a great time doing so. Also the Swoley Bible and all connected documents have been privated! I'm compiling them into more of a cohesive work, potentially a book, and adding more to them, editing and fiddling about. Speaking of books, I'm writing a book! And I'm also writing two books! Maybe one of these massive projects that I have no time for will end up progressing in the future. For now, it's slow. Additional headline events: A mean dog bites my toe A mean dog is banished to Outer Darkness I get interviewed by my mission president Pizza 🍕 🤑🤑🤑 Fake news: People write me emails and I diligently respond to all of them Thanks for reading chat! Stay tuned for the next edition of Elder Battraw Doesn't Like Writing Boring Weekly Emails! -Battraw, Elder