29 December 2025

Hello, and welcome to the 38th installment of the Battraw: Weekly! Unfortunately I'm fried and have little to no motivation to write anything. Unfortunately for me, because if I waited on motivation for everything then I'd still be back home watching anime. It is worth noting, however, that if my mission were a fetal child it would be viable outside the womb. Additionally if you bought low-acid canned goods or pasta around when I began the mission, you should consider refreshing your food stores. And Merry Christmas! We really didn't have much of a Christmas celebration, neither will we have a New Years celebration. But better believe we will work, and work, and then work again. After that, we will keep working. And when we run out of motivation and want to go sleep, we will work! As AI generated David Goggins puts it- "No Christmas lights, no fireworks, just the grind. I'm tired, my mind's whisperin' quit, but that's the enemy. I don't wait for a calendar to tell me when to push. I lace up my shoes, I hit the pavement, I count every step like a badge of honor. The pain? It's just a reminder I'm still alive. So I keep moving. I own the suck. I don't need a celebration to prove I'm hard. I prove it every da[ng] day, one mile at a time. Stay hard. Stay hungry." Beautifully put, David. I couldn't have put it better myself. For this "happy new year" we're gonna stay locked in and keep it pushing. Motivation or no motivation, keep that mentality tough and take the steps one at a time if you need but keep taking them. I guess what I'm trying to say, is STAY HARD! Adieu, and adieu. Staying hard, -Elder Battraw

22 December 2025

Welcome to the Legendary Weekly Efficient Email of Elder Battraw! Headlines for this week! I reunite with my long lost piano Elder Ybarra loses his lunch Elder Ybarra's lunch is found on my pants Cube, Rubix The Great Christmas Bash of '25 I move into Mission President's house Christmas Nativity: Starring Elder Battraw Unfortunately that's all we have time for this week, cya next time! -The Efficient Elder Battraw

15 December 2025

Hello all! My name is Battraw, Elder Battraw. Sometimes here, sometimes there, always "in between jobs." As the title may suggest, I'm slowly shriveling away into a sarcastic cadaver of my formal self. The other day, I fell down a hill and made Minecraft skeleton noises. That didn't hurt quite as much as when a 5'3" Peruvian lady called me skinny though. I've since resolved to eat more, because boy have I lost a lot of weight. Besides that, the week was good! We celebrated the same 5'3" Peruvian lady's birthday, and had a farewell party for Elder Sousa, doppleganger of Miles Morales. There was a baptism in Miles Morales's area as well. And our friend that fell off the face of the planet a week ago has returned and has a baptismal date again! Let's go! We also visited little towns in our area along the mountains and walked a lot! There was also a wild, angry bull that got loose and put itself on the path back to home. We tried going around, when it suddenly decided that the grass where we needed to go looked pretty good and moved there. So we ran back to the trail and started ninja sneaking along the path. The bull was maybe fifteen feet away from the path, just down a slight slope munching on grass with its head down. Elder Saccatuma headed in front, safely passing in a hunkered stance. I was moving past the bull when Elder Saccatuma yelled, "MOO!" and we took off sprinting. Fortunately we didn't get clapped by the bull and made it safely back. There has been great progress in The Swoley Bible! I'm hoping to finish it sometime in the next 16 months. Speaking of which, yesterday was my 8 month mark in the mission. Very cool. Time is going by pretty quick! And Christmas is pretty exciting. The main plaza here is decked out with tons of lights and decorations. All of the schools are having their end-of-year parties as well, which is very nostalgic. It is really cool, though. The mission has already been an amazing adventure. During the first week, I couldn't imagine I would even make it to 3 months, yet here we are. It sure does suck sometimes, but the good moments and people make up for the bad. I thought a lot about all of the awesome friends and experiences I've had while out here, and I can't wait to have more. Signing off, Elder Battraw

8 December 2025

Grandma Gang is back in town, Lock your hearts and flip your frowns. Better watch out for the Grandma Gang- They look kind but they got fangs. Welcome back to the 34th weekly email of Battraw: Weekly! "Where we put the W in BattraW." -Elder Fox The grandmas in Peru here are tough as nails and strong as oxen. Their bare hands can sand a table down, and polish it too. They carry around heavy sacks all day, walking up and down mountains and manhandling bulls. Truly they are a force to be reckoned with. Other news: today is my one third of my mission completed. Cool stats: 6-pack mantained (but at what cost?) 💪 ~35 pounds lost 😔 4+ containers preworkout used 🤙 6 transfers 😎 6.5 companions 😶❓️ 2 mission presidents, 2 languages, 2 countries 🇵🇪 🇺🇸 48 Google Docs started, 6 finished 🤷‍♂️ 3 books started, 0 finished 👀 0 regrets 🫡 Countless priceless hours in the service of God 😤🔥 And I also contracted something that I'll call "the Ebola Virus" two days ago. Fortunately I took unknown medicine with a witchy brew concoction, got flamed by mission president's wife for drinking witchy brew, passed out twitching for 4 hours, woke up drenched in sweat completely healed. Overall, 7/10 experience. A big thank you to Tania the witchy brewer. Fortunately from this experience, I learned we are not supposed to take unknown medicine from witchy brewers named Tania. Next time I'll get it from Georgina the witchy brewer to be safe. This past week has been awesome! We work a lot, walk a lot, and alot money for ice cream. We had some sad news, some good news, and some very hope filled news. A very cool poem that I read recently, that is SO cool I'm going to hand type all of it- "The Race" by Delbert L. Groberg. "Quit! Give up! You're beaten!" They shout at me and plead. There's just too much against you now. This time you can't succeed! And as I start to hang my head In front of failure's face My downward fall is broken by The memory of a race. And hope refills my weakened will As I recall that scene For just the thought of that short race Rejuvinates my being. A children's race; young boys, young men How I remember well. Excitement, sure! But also fear. It wasn't hard to tell. They all lined up so full of hope Each thought to win that race. Or tie for first, or if not that At least take second place. And fathers watched from off the side, Each cheering for his son. And each boy hoped to show his dad That he would be the one. The whistle blew and off they went Young hearts and hopes afire. To win and be the hero there Was each young boy's desire. And one boy in particular Whose dad was in the crowd Was running near the lead and thought, My dad will be so proud! But as they speeded down the field Across a shallow dip. That little boy, who thought to win, Lost his step and slipped. Trying hard to catch himself His hands flew out to brace, And, mid the laughter of the crowd, He fell flat on his face. So down he fell, and with him hope. He couldn't win it now. Embarrassed, sad, he only wished To disappear somehow. But as he fell, his dad stood up And showed his anxious face That to the boy so clearly said; Get up and win the race! He quickly rose, no damage done. Behind a bit, that's all And ran with all his mind and might To make up for his fall. So anxiois to restore himself To catch up and win, His mind went faster than his legs; He slipped and fell again. He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace I'm hopeless as a runner, now. I shouldn't try to race. But in the laughing crowd he searched And found his father's face, That steady look that said again, Get up and win the race. So up he jumped to try again Ten yards behind the last If I'm to gain those yards, he thought, I've got to move real fast. Exerting everything he had, He regained eight of ten But trying hard to catch the lead He slipped and fell again. Defeated! He lay there silently A tear dropped from his eye There's no sense running anymore. Three strikes; I'm out. Why try? The will to rise had disappeared. All hope had flone away. So far behind; so error prone- A loser all the way. I've lost, so what's the use, he thought. I'll live with my disgrace. But then he thought about his dad, whom soon he'd have to face. Get up, an echo sounded low, Get up and take your place. You were not meant for failure here, Get up and win the race. With borrowed will, get up, it said. You haven't lost at all. For winning is no more than this: To rise each time you fall. So up he rose to run once more And, with a new commit, He resolved that win or lose At least he wouldn't quit. So far behind the others now, The most he'd ever been, Still he gave it all he had; He ran as though to win. Three times he'd fallen, stumbling, Three times he rose again. Too far behind to hope to win, He still ran to the end. They cheered the winning runner As he crossed the line first place, Head high, and proud, and happy- No falling; no disgrace. But when the fallen youngster Crossed the line last place, The crowd gave him the greater cheer For finishing the race. And even though he came in last With head bowed low, unproud, You would have thought he won the race, To listen to the crowd. And to his dad he sadly said, I didn't do so well. To me, you won, the father said. You rose each time you fell. And now when things seem dark and hard And difficult to face, The memory of that little boy Helps me in my race. For all of life is like that race, With ups and downs and all, And all you have to do to win Is rise each time you fall. "Quit! Give up! You're beaten!" They still shout in my face. But another voice within me says Get up and win the race! -Elder BattraW, OUT

1 December 2025

...welcome, to the unilateral, unequivocal, undeniable united union of the weekly Elder Battraw letters, where all are sent but none contain the contents of the past week. Speaking of which, this past week was no exception. We also didn't celebrate Thanksgiving because it doesn't exist here! I got to call family which is cool and also didn't have to see all of the horrifically long Instagram and Snapchat stories, yapping about what they're grateful for. And if anybody was grateful for me, my condolences. This past week I also got to give a thorough whooping to other missionaries in the game Settlers of Catan. Normally I don't like the game but I went bananas here. I don't believe it will ever happen again, so I might be retired. We also taught English! The schedules are very weird and irregular, so every class is more of whatever we come up with. We teach both 6th grade and 3rd. Beginning with 6th, they are very lame because they don't listen to us and think about how cool they are instead. So they end up sitting there for an hour. Womp womp. 3rd grade is amazing, however. They all listen attently and are extremely chaotic and disobedient but they will do ANYTHING to play and win a game. So we teach a lot of English to them and we have a great time doing so. Also the Swoley Bible and all connected documents have been privated! I'm compiling them into more of a cohesive work, potentially a book, and adding more to them, editing and fiddling about. Speaking of books, I'm writing a book! And I'm also writing two books! Maybe one of these massive projects that I have no time for will end up progressing in the future. For now, it's slow. Additional headline events: A mean dog bites my toe A mean dog is banished to Outer Darkness I get interviewed by my mission president Pizza 🍕 🤑🤑🤑 Fake news: People write me emails and I diligently respond to all of them Thanks for reading chat! Stay tuned for the next edition of Elder Battraw Doesn't Like Writing Boring Weekly Emails! -Battraw, Elder